Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Monday, March 15, 2004
Rock, Scissors Paper - Stanley Knife, Finger - Ouch!
Well its settled, I have finally proven that a stanley knife is quite willing and able to cut a finger.
After a long and arduous process of testing empirical data and hack/slashing I have once and for all proven and removed all doubt.
During one of my attempted "do-it-yourself" type situations on the weekend I managed to take a slash at myself with one of those stanley knifes, and boy are they sharp! Luckily I think I have gotten off quite lightly, sure its a big cut and look grose but Im still alive (so far - Im monitoring this very closely) and still have the ability to move my finger..
Note to self, buy a fricken workbench.. Guess thats what I get for trying to work on the floor of the garage.
Stanley Knife 1 - Mark 0
After a long and arduous process of testing empirical data and hack/slashing I have once and for all proven and removed all doubt.
During one of my attempted "do-it-yourself" type situations on the weekend I managed to take a slash at myself with one of those stanley knifes, and boy are they sharp! Luckily I think I have gotten off quite lightly, sure its a big cut and look grose but Im still alive (so far - Im monitoring this very closely) and still have the ability to move my finger..
Note to self, buy a fricken workbench.. Guess thats what I get for trying to work on the floor of the garage.
Stanley Knife 1 - Mark 0
Friday, March 05, 2004
Ameobas With Spatulas
Here I am yet again in another ridiculous babble about some incoherant conspiracy theory. One could even surmount that I may be a "Bandit" for a conspiracy theory. This may well be true.. after all so far I have detailed insidious plots by Monkeys and Bears to take over the world.. sure you could take away my class "A" drugs for the day, or even commit me to some sort of shady acres psychiatric facility.. but I digress...
What the hell is an ameoba? Well it kinda looks like a smarty if it was more of a poo brown color and a single celled organism (which a smartie clearly isnt!) Back the truck up a minute? Single celled organisms, how can they take over the world..they dont even have opposible thumbs? But hang on, even single celled organisms have feelings and yes even dreams, of taking over the world (pinky and the brain style..)
How to Identify an Ameoba..
before I continue further into my composium of idiocy, I will digress into an Ameoba fieldguide.. Showing you what these little buggers might look like, common disguises and the like. After all, they are craft little buggers.
What the hell is an ameoba? Well it kinda looks like a smarty if it was more of a poo brown color and a single celled organism (which a smartie clearly isnt!) Back the truck up a minute? Single celled organisms, how can they take over the world..they dont even have opposible thumbs? But hang on, even single celled organisms have feelings and yes even dreams, of taking over the world (pinky and the brain style..)
How to Identify an Ameoba..
before I continue further into my composium of idiocy, I will digress into an Ameoba fieldguide.. Showing you what these little buggers might look like, common disguises and the like. After all, they are craft little buggers.
. This is an Ameoba.. scary aint he?
.@ An Ameoba with a french Horn..
*.* An Ameoba with Pom-Poms..
! A startled Ameoba
? A confused Ameoba
Supercar anyone?
Yet another supercar with Holdens Gen3 v8? After the much anticipated 427 Monaro evaporated (Doh!) Holden has their donk in another sports icon!
Elfin has been building sports cars for decades and has just released a new variant.. the Elfin Ms8.. It looks absolutely wicked, 0-100km/hour in 3.5 seconds! Now thats what Im talking about!
Check it Out Here!
Elfin has been building sports cars for decades and has just released a new variant.. the Elfin Ms8.. It looks absolutely wicked, 0-100km/hour in 3.5 seconds! Now thats what Im talking about!
Check it Out Here!
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Why Periodic Cat Scans Should Be Compulsary..
In light of recent delvings into the subject of periodic cat scans.. here is proof that we are totally bananas (without getting back on the subject of monkeys..god forbid)
This Special person would definately be in the dictionary under "obsessive fan" or possibly "delusional"
I cant describe it anymore, you need to see for yourself.. Its one of those life changing moments where you realise you really arent as crazy as some people, in the grand scheme of things!
This Special person would definately be in the dictionary under "obsessive fan" or possibly "delusional"
I cant describe it anymore, you need to see for yourself.. Its one of those life changing moments where you realise you really arent as crazy as some people, in the grand scheme of things!
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
New Development Methodology
I Have just coined a new Programming Methodology (with help from Carl!) RAD - or Rabid Application Development.. It involves getting really pissed off, some swearing, cursing and even physical violence towards inanimate objects which are getting in the way of your development lifecycle.
Empirical evidence seems positive.. Ill have to try it out and see!
Empirical evidence seems positive.. Ill have to try it out and see!
Posting Madness
Woah! Holy Blog postings batman! Someone has been busy. As you may have noticed (or possibly not, who can really say) I have been posting losts of junk on here lately.
I thought it was about time I stopped dicking around and starting adding my mark to the world wide wobble. Alot of this content has been lying around for ages, festering and collecting dustbunnies..some of it is new, improved and with extra shiny-ness! Some of it is crap.
Its a bit like life really.
I thought it was about time I stopped dicking around and starting adding my mark to the world wide wobble. Alot of this content has been lying around for ages, festering and collecting dustbunnies..some of it is new, improved and with extra shiny-ness! Some of it is crap.
Its a bit like life really.
Marks Biography
Mark was born on the 29th of novwemberrr 1978 in a shanty town outside of sydney australia,
with nothing but a few measly sheets of corrugated iron and bamboo roof to keep out the heat,
the cold, and the ever present amway salespeople, circling the weak like buzzards around a dying
antelope. In his infancy mark passed the time by collecting peanuts which looked like celebrities
and throwing inferior chinese plastic cups at the tupperware lady. Mark made his first shiny dollar
selling used toothpicks to tourists. Sometimes mark would dress as a wilderness bear Koala and walk
the streets asking for money to "save the koalas". With the belief that "anything is possible but
not fricken likely" mark managed to ascend the ranks of nothingness to the brink of somethingness.
The whole world is his oyster, but hes allergic to oysters, Marks pushed forward with his belief
that moose too should be able to participate in the space program.
At the age of 10 mark purchased a corrugated cardboard box and moved out on his own. After
being attacked by a 4 foot tall teddy bear mark re-evaluated his feeling for bears and set
out on a path of destruction to wipe the furry varmits from the face of the earth. After a
short stint as a monk a plumber and a special person Mark became the first successful duck
cheese farmer and practiced the ancient art of moose herding. Voted the guy most likely to
end up working at a 7-eleven, Mark has proven time and time again that such high hopes were
never destined to be met. A strong proponent of no-name gladwrap and purveyor of crappulence,
mark never ceases to amaze with his seeming lack of interest and ability to spin endless amounts
of crappulence at the slightest whim. Holder of the land speed record, avoider of police, and public enemy number 2, Mark certainly has silenced the critics with a fine display of unruliness and
pedantic dterminism which underlies a strong feeling of "be quiet or I will hurt you".
Marks methodology centeres around the idea that methodology is a silly word and involves lots of
pointing and laughing, copying and general plaguerism. With such a perverted sense of realism and
general psychotic nature, it is not suprising that Mark has been able to generate such intricate,
mind warping prose. Within the dark entrapments of marks prose you are invited deep into the darkness,
the shadows. And left there! The passion and ideas embowelled in Marks work definately make for some
interesting reading. With articles such as "The Theory of Monkey" and "Bears Are Evil" mark
demonstrates how on closer observation seemingly straightforward and universally acknowledged
truths can be distorted and twisted to be transformed into new truths and realisations.
with nothing but a few measly sheets of corrugated iron and bamboo roof to keep out the heat,
the cold, and the ever present amway salespeople, circling the weak like buzzards around a dying
antelope. In his infancy mark passed the time by collecting peanuts which looked like celebrities
and throwing inferior chinese plastic cups at the tupperware lady. Mark made his first shiny dollar
selling used toothpicks to tourists. Sometimes mark would dress as a wilderness bear Koala and walk
the streets asking for money to "save the koalas". With the belief that "anything is possible but
not fricken likely" mark managed to ascend the ranks of nothingness to the brink of somethingness.
The whole world is his oyster, but hes allergic to oysters, Marks pushed forward with his belief
that moose too should be able to participate in the space program.
At the age of 10 mark purchased a corrugated cardboard box and moved out on his own. After
being attacked by a 4 foot tall teddy bear mark re-evaluated his feeling for bears and set
out on a path of destruction to wipe the furry varmits from the face of the earth. After a
short stint as a monk a plumber and a special person Mark became the first successful duck
cheese farmer and practiced the ancient art of moose herding. Voted the guy most likely to
end up working at a 7-eleven, Mark has proven time and time again that such high hopes were
never destined to be met. A strong proponent of no-name gladwrap and purveyor of crappulence,
mark never ceases to amaze with his seeming lack of interest and ability to spin endless amounts
of crappulence at the slightest whim. Holder of the land speed record, avoider of police, and public enemy number 2, Mark certainly has silenced the critics with a fine display of unruliness and
pedantic dterminism which underlies a strong feeling of "be quiet or I will hurt you".
Marks methodology centeres around the idea that methodology is a silly word and involves lots of
pointing and laughing, copying and general plaguerism. With such a perverted sense of realism and
general psychotic nature, it is not suprising that Mark has been able to generate such intricate,
mind warping prose. Within the dark entrapments of marks prose you are invited deep into the darkness,
the shadows. And left there! The passion and ideas embowelled in Marks work definately make for some
interesting reading. With articles such as "The Theory of Monkey" and "Bears Are Evil" mark
demonstrates how on closer observation seemingly straightforward and universally acknowledged
truths can be distorted and twisted to be transformed into new truths and realisations.
The Theory of Bear
The theory of bears, this once again is a scientifically proven analytical observation on the state of human --> bear relations in the current time. To even think of composing such a totally laughable and some may say idiotic symposium must surely point to myself not having had regular cat-scans over the past year. But I digress! Digress I say! Such brilliance must surely be noted in the conquest of such complex scientific ground. The first port of call in this little rambling must surely stem from the definition of a bear we shall use for this little excercise.
bear2 (b‰r)
n.
1) Any of various usually omnivorous mammals of the family Ursidae that have a shaggy coat and a short tail and walk with the entire lower surface of the foot touching the ground.
2) Any of various other animals, such as the koala, that resemble a true bear.
A large, clumsy, or ill-mannered person.
3)Slang. A police officer, especially one using radar to apprehend speeding motorists
After reading such an appendum my own meager definitions could be poked at and laughable. After all if we are to use the above definition to surmise this report then basically any low life, coles dwelling, pretzil munching, datsun driving neanderthal could wind up as a guinea pig in this little experiment. We shall steer from conveniant mainstream definitions of bear and create our own definition to surmise our argument.
Bear (baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaareeeee)
1) Fluffy, big eared, annoying, tempestuous, glazen eyed, pretzil munchin furry little
animal with a persistant odour that smells like a cross between a bunch of pine needles, a compost heap and savings brand chocolate mufins. Possesses a string aptitude for lazyness. Devious, pretentious, enjoys running with scissors and using big words. Posseses sharp toothy pegs. Favourite haunts include childrens toychests, toy stores, sitting on top of beds.. or in the mouths of mischevious dogs.
Sound about right everyone..yeap..great..done. (quiet in the back row). Everyone note this down, it will form part of your test!. Now we have a firm literary definition of the aforementioned bear, we can now continue with the analysis.
One poses the question where should one start in such a deep analytical experiement into the theory of bear. THe ascension of the bear through the hierarchy of the stuffed toy kingdom can only be described as stupendous. Back since, well in the past sometime when bears were living in caves and stuff and passed the time eating the occasional child, they have now progressed to living on beds and eating the occasional child! Remarkable... Who would have thought that mister ebar could have ever out stayed the likes of barbie and other ridiculous girl toys. Bear is the leader. But beneath that fluffy appearance and cute smile lies a criminal mind.
it is a little known fact that during the cold war the russians sent over 5,000 bears to the United States to spy on US intelligence. The bears, being experts in espionage managed to infiltrate all but the highest of the social ranks. Think they are still cute.. "sure thay might be spies but they are so cute..look at them..aww they are so squishy.." Ever heard of a dropbear?.. Thats right.. a drop bear.
Bears might look all cute and huggable but Im afraid they are nothing more than fluffy mean killing machines.
Drop bears are a fine example of he cunning behind these twisted little dust collectors,. You can be walking along in the forest..minding your own business chopping a few trees down with that pocket chainsaw you brought along. Then >>WHAM<< "holy dropbears batman" a drop bear with just drop straight out of a tree, and rip your head off. And what do they do with the head.. well noone knows, and to be honest noone wants to find out. Some scientists have claimed they use them as a food source, or that the bears are just bored, maybe suffering from some sort of physciological problem that may be treated with anger management.. but I digress (again!).
For examples of this michievous bear behaviour we must look no further than documentary fact on television. Insightful programs such as Yogi bear do much to highten concern and raise awareness over the danger of bears. In this program bears are routinely seen driving cars, stealing picnic baskets, and being involved in high speed car and bear chases. They arent even wearing seatbelts! What kind of a sick world are we living in. Do we want these bears running rampant in our society? Filchering picnic baskets, ripping peoples heads off and voting? The answer is NO people. For gods sake they dont even wear any pants.. Remember Humphrey B. Bear? The pantless child molesting bear,who was banished to vuenezuala after running around in public with no pants on! We have let our guard down and allowed these insidious little fluffburgers to enter our very homes, and our very bedrooms giving them the perfect opportunity to strike when we least expect it.
Seen Planet of the Apes before (go on..own up.I wont tell your friends you actually watched that lameass crap!) well substitute those lameass Apes for bears and there you have it. The bear plan for world domination. I can barely (no pun intended) stand the thought of a bear running my life, let alone taking over the world. The bear equivalent of Dr Evil.hes furry, hes evil, and he wants to take over the world.
Sure there might well be some nice people-loving bears around... but on a whole they are evil! evil I say! So there u have it.. the theory of the insidious bear plot to take over the world, and make us all slaves..slaves I tell you. So act now.. punch a bear today!
Go on, you know you want to! Let that fluffball know whos boss! Threaten it with sticking it in the dryer and let him drop a few pounds! Or show him the bottle of extra strength bleach you have (ever seen a bear with blonde roots?).
The Theory of Bears Excerpt.
Author: Mark G
Published: 2000 Ill Conceived Concepts and HairBrained Ideas PTY LTD
All Rights Reserved. Names of Bears have been removed to protect
the little fellows concerned.
bear2 (b‰r)
n.
1) Any of various usually omnivorous mammals of the family Ursidae that have a shaggy coat and a short tail and walk with the entire lower surface of the foot touching the ground.
2) Any of various other animals, such as the koala, that resemble a true bear.
A large, clumsy, or ill-mannered person.
3)Slang. A police officer, especially one using radar to apprehend speeding motorists
After reading such an appendum my own meager definitions could be poked at and laughable. After all if we are to use the above definition to surmise this report then basically any low life, coles dwelling, pretzil munching, datsun driving neanderthal could wind up as a guinea pig in this little experiment. We shall steer from conveniant mainstream definitions of bear and create our own definition to surmise our argument.
Bear (baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaareeeee)
1) Fluffy, big eared, annoying, tempestuous, glazen eyed, pretzil munchin furry little
animal with a persistant odour that smells like a cross between a bunch of pine needles, a compost heap and savings brand chocolate mufins. Possesses a string aptitude for lazyness. Devious, pretentious, enjoys running with scissors and using big words. Posseses sharp toothy pegs. Favourite haunts include childrens toychests, toy stores, sitting on top of beds.. or in the mouths of mischevious dogs.
Sound about right everyone..yeap..great..done. (quiet in the back row). Everyone note this down, it will form part of your test!. Now we have a firm literary definition of the aforementioned bear, we can now continue with the analysis.
One poses the question where should one start in such a deep analytical experiement into the theory of bear. THe ascension of the bear through the hierarchy of the stuffed toy kingdom can only be described as stupendous. Back since, well in the past sometime when bears were living in caves and stuff and passed the time eating the occasional child, they have now progressed to living on beds and eating the occasional child! Remarkable... Who would have thought that mister ebar could have ever out stayed the likes of barbie and other ridiculous girl toys. Bear is the leader. But beneath that fluffy appearance and cute smile lies a criminal mind.
it is a little known fact that during the cold war the russians sent over 5,000 bears to the United States to spy on US intelligence. The bears, being experts in espionage managed to infiltrate all but the highest of the social ranks. Think they are still cute.. "sure thay might be spies but they are so cute..look at them..aww they are so squishy.." Ever heard of a dropbear?.. Thats right.. a drop bear.
Bears might look all cute and huggable but Im afraid they are nothing more than fluffy mean killing machines.
Drop bears are a fine example of he cunning behind these twisted little dust collectors,. You can be walking along in the forest..minding your own business chopping a few trees down with that pocket chainsaw you brought along. Then >>WHAM<< "holy dropbears batman" a drop bear with just drop straight out of a tree, and rip your head off. And what do they do with the head.. well noone knows, and to be honest noone wants to find out. Some scientists have claimed they use them as a food source, or that the bears are just bored, maybe suffering from some sort of physciological problem that may be treated with anger management.. but I digress (again!).
For examples of this michievous bear behaviour we must look no further than documentary fact on television. Insightful programs such as Yogi bear do much to highten concern and raise awareness over the danger of bears. In this program bears are routinely seen driving cars, stealing picnic baskets, and being involved in high speed car and bear chases. They arent even wearing seatbelts! What kind of a sick world are we living in. Do we want these bears running rampant in our society? Filchering picnic baskets, ripping peoples heads off and voting? The answer is NO people. For gods sake they dont even wear any pants.. Remember Humphrey B. Bear? The pantless child molesting bear,who was banished to vuenezuala after running around in public with no pants on! We have let our guard down and allowed these insidious little fluffburgers to enter our very homes, and our very bedrooms giving them the perfect opportunity to strike when we least expect it.
Seen Planet of the Apes before (go on..own up.I wont tell your friends you actually watched that lameass crap!) well substitute those lameass Apes for bears and there you have it. The bear plan for world domination. I can barely (no pun intended) stand the thought of a bear running my life, let alone taking over the world. The bear equivalent of Dr Evil.hes furry, hes evil, and he wants to take over the world.
Sure there might well be some nice people-loving bears around... but on a whole they are evil! evil I say! So there u have it.. the theory of the insidious bear plot to take over the world, and make us all slaves..slaves I tell you. So act now.. punch a bear today!
Go on, you know you want to! Let that fluffball know whos boss! Threaten it with sticking it in the dryer and let him drop a few pounds! Or show him the bottle of extra strength bleach you have (ever seen a bear with blonde roots?).
The Theory of Bears Excerpt.
Author: Mark G
Published: 2000 Ill Conceived Concepts and HairBrained Ideas PTY LTD
All Rights Reserved. Names of Bears have been removed to protect
the little fellows concerned.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Ecotraitor?
Three decades ago, Patrick Moore helped found Greenpeace. Today he promotes nuclear energy and genetically modified foods - and swears he's still fighting to save the planet.
Patrick Moore has been called a sellout, traitor, parasite, and prostitute - and that's by critics exercising self-restraint. It's not hard to see why they're angry. Moore helped found Greenpeace and devoted 15 years to waging the organization's flamboyant brand of environmental warfare. He campaigned against nuclear testing, whaling, seal hunting, pesticides, supertankers, uranium mining, and toxic waste dumping. As the nonprofit's scientific spokesperson, he was widely quoted and frequently photographed, often while being taken into custody.
Then, in 1986, the PhD ecologist abruptly turned his back on the environmental movement. He didn't just retire; he joined the other side. Today, he's a mouthpiece for some of the very interests Greenpeace was founded to counter, notably the timber and plastics industries. He argues that the Amazon rain forest is doing fine, that the Three Gorges Dam is the smartest thing China could do for its energy supply, and that opposition to genetically modified foods is tantamount to mass murder.
Read the full article Here! Hehe Only joking..its really Here
Patrick Moore has been called a sellout, traitor, parasite, and prostitute - and that's by critics exercising self-restraint. It's not hard to see why they're angry. Moore helped found Greenpeace and devoted 15 years to waging the organization's flamboyant brand of environmental warfare. He campaigned against nuclear testing, whaling, seal hunting, pesticides, supertankers, uranium mining, and toxic waste dumping. As the nonprofit's scientific spokesperson, he was widely quoted and frequently photographed, often while being taken into custody.
Then, in 1986, the PhD ecologist abruptly turned his back on the environmental movement. He didn't just retire; he joined the other side. Today, he's a mouthpiece for some of the very interests Greenpeace was founded to counter, notably the timber and plastics industries. He argues that the Amazon rain forest is doing fine, that the Three Gorges Dam is the smartest thing China could do for its energy supply, and that opposition to genetically modified foods is tantamount to mass murder.
Read the full article Here! Hehe Only joking..its really Here
The Theory Of Monkey
Today, as usual my mind wandered whilst sitting in traffic (for prolonged periods of time) and during this little flight of fancy I have compiled a new new theory. The theory of monkeys. Now as my colleagues in the car will proclaim I am a total nut case. This may well be true but then aren't all genius branded as morons and spoons? Well despite the pointing and laughing I shall continue this little romp and describe in a rambling un detailed, hard to follow compendium the theory of Monkey.
The central clause of the monkey theory states that in the beginning there was monkey. And this in no way continues the Darwinism theory of evolution. What would some twit from the Northern Territory know anyways! In the beginning there was monkey, and it was a very ugly monkey, like one of those monkeys that look like their face is a giant anus. The monkey was very mischievous and liked getting up to no good. Like robbing banks,dacking people in shorts and filling out tax returns. Now the theory of monkey decries popular beliefs in mainstream society. To be perfectly honest, mainstream society is full of monkey poo. I am right and everyone else your wrong wrong wrong. To illustrate I will use several examples of popular mainstream folklore as I like to call it
One of the most prominent issues in modern society is the destruction of rainforests. Now popular belief decries that this is due to global expansion and urbanisation, clearing for farming and to make way for fat people. Now this is absolutely categorically wrong. The primary, leading cause of this is Monkey.
Now no one knows how the monkeys got the chainsaws, and no one really cares.. but those little fellas love chopping shit down, trees, telegraph poles, unsuspecting cars. Monkeys are also the leading cause of armored car robberies.. The dangly armed varmints swing out of the trees armed with
chainsaws and cheese graters and cut a hole in the roof of the van.. steal the cash and take off to the local green grocers to go buy some bananas.Some industrious little monkeys even managed to steal a tractor and are burning round the rainforests doing doughnuts and knocking over houses. One could only hope they are wearing seatbelts, but this my friends is highly unlikely. More monkeys are killed in car accidents each year than any other animal species.. not hit by cars, usually during high speed monkey car chases
As my mind wandered increasingly over the course of the journey I considered purchasing one of these aforementioned monkeys. I mean their cool, they can dangle from trees and they are pretty darn clever. At one point during the journey I could actually see monkeys in my car.. I don't know whether they were just my friends or I had too many energy drinks, but I digress!What could a monkey do for you? well for starters I reckon they would be a valuable asset in a food fight, cos they could lob bananas pretty darn well, thy could change CDs in your car for you or make loud screeching noises at passing cars.. interesting.. They could change the TV channels for you, answer your fone and probably make more sense to the caller than you usually do! You could send the little fella out for pizza, or maybe to get a case of beer! The possibilities are endless. Maybe if it was a really cute monkey u could use him to pick up a hot date, I mean who could resist a hot guy with a gorgeous little monkey! Right now I'm thinking a monkey would be pretty good, and have even considered ditching work and pinching one from the nearest zoo. But of course such an operation needs planning, you need the custom Made Cyril the Monkey hat and matching T-shirt so u can swear black and blue to the police that that's your monkey..his name is Cyril, and you love him like a son .
This raises several questions.
(1) Do monkeys need to wear seatbelts or child restraints?
(2) Do monkeys need to vote
(3)where do they get that funky weird ass smell from?
The answers ladies and gentlemen are (1) no cos they will bite u (2)ditto and (3) ask the monkey.
If I was a monkey where would I be? I think every immature man has wondered this at some point of their existence! It is the question that drives us, What is the monkey? Unfortunately, no one can be told what the monkey is, they must see it for themselves. The monkey is all around us, it is there when you go to church, when you pay your taxes they are the little bastards that key your car, and bend your aerial into lewd forms. The monkey is the one that leaves the toilet seat up, or the one that jams the banana in your exhaust!
Now by this point my friends are getting really scared after hearing the revelation of the monkey. Several times they have attempted to jump from the moving vehicle. They are now afraid to go to church after hearing that it is a favorite monkey hangout, and are always looking around nervously around trees in case a Chainsaw wielding monkey is ready to pounce
The theory of the monkey can be scientifically comprehensively backed by utter babble and vague recounts. The monkey is real, we should not fear the monkey, we should not act to silence the little fellas. For if you fuck with them, you shall be in big trouble. For no one fucks with a cheese grater wielding dangly armed little varmints and lives!.
The Theory of Monkeys Excerpt.
Author: Mark G
Published: 2000 Ill Conceived Concepts and HairBrained Ideas PTY LTD
All Rights Reserved. Names of Monkeys have been removed to protect
the little fellows concerned.
The central clause of the monkey theory states that in the beginning there was monkey. And this in no way continues the Darwinism theory of evolution. What would some twit from the Northern Territory know anyways! In the beginning there was monkey, and it was a very ugly monkey, like one of those monkeys that look like their face is a giant anus. The monkey was very mischievous and liked getting up to no good. Like robbing banks,dacking people in shorts and filling out tax returns. Now the theory of monkey decries popular beliefs in mainstream society. To be perfectly honest, mainstream society is full of monkey poo. I am right and everyone else your wrong wrong wrong. To illustrate I will use several examples of popular mainstream folklore as I like to call it
One of the most prominent issues in modern society is the destruction of rainforests. Now popular belief decries that this is due to global expansion and urbanisation, clearing for farming and to make way for fat people. Now this is absolutely categorically wrong. The primary, leading cause of this is Monkey.
Now no one knows how the monkeys got the chainsaws, and no one really cares.. but those little fellas love chopping shit down, trees, telegraph poles, unsuspecting cars. Monkeys are also the leading cause of armored car robberies.. The dangly armed varmints swing out of the trees armed with
chainsaws and cheese graters and cut a hole in the roof of the van.. steal the cash and take off to the local green grocers to go buy some bananas.Some industrious little monkeys even managed to steal a tractor and are burning round the rainforests doing doughnuts and knocking over houses. One could only hope they are wearing seatbelts, but this my friends is highly unlikely. More monkeys are killed in car accidents each year than any other animal species.. not hit by cars, usually during high speed monkey car chases
As my mind wandered increasingly over the course of the journey I considered purchasing one of these aforementioned monkeys. I mean their cool, they can dangle from trees and they are pretty darn clever. At one point during the journey I could actually see monkeys in my car.. I don't know whether they were just my friends or I had too many energy drinks, but I digress!What could a monkey do for you? well for starters I reckon they would be a valuable asset in a food fight, cos they could lob bananas pretty darn well, thy could change CDs in your car for you or make loud screeching noises at passing cars.. interesting.. They could change the TV channels for you, answer your fone and probably make more sense to the caller than you usually do! You could send the little fella out for pizza, or maybe to get a case of beer! The possibilities are endless. Maybe if it was a really cute monkey u could use him to pick up a hot date, I mean who could resist a hot guy with a gorgeous little monkey! Right now I'm thinking a monkey would be pretty good, and have even considered ditching work and pinching one from the nearest zoo. But of course such an operation needs planning, you need the custom Made Cyril the Monkey hat and matching T-shirt so u can swear black and blue to the police that that's your monkey..his name is Cyril, and you love him like a son .
This raises several questions.
(1) Do monkeys need to wear seatbelts or child restraints?
(2) Do monkeys need to vote
(3)where do they get that funky weird ass smell from?
The answers ladies and gentlemen are (1) no cos they will bite u (2)ditto and (3) ask the monkey.
If I was a monkey where would I be? I think every immature man has wondered this at some point of their existence! It is the question that drives us, What is the monkey? Unfortunately, no one can be told what the monkey is, they must see it for themselves. The monkey is all around us, it is there when you go to church, when you pay your taxes they are the little bastards that key your car, and bend your aerial into lewd forms. The monkey is the one that leaves the toilet seat up, or the one that jams the banana in your exhaust!
Now by this point my friends are getting really scared after hearing the revelation of the monkey. Several times they have attempted to jump from the moving vehicle. They are now afraid to go to church after hearing that it is a favorite monkey hangout, and are always looking around nervously around trees in case a Chainsaw wielding monkey is ready to pounce
The theory of the monkey can be scientifically comprehensively backed by utter babble and vague recounts. The monkey is real, we should not fear the monkey, we should not act to silence the little fellas. For if you fuck with them, you shall be in big trouble. For no one fucks with a cheese grater wielding dangly armed little varmints and lives!.
The Theory of Monkeys Excerpt.
Author: Mark G
Published: 2000 Ill Conceived Concepts and HairBrained Ideas PTY LTD
All Rights Reserved. Names of Monkeys have been removed to protect
the little fellows concerned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
