Goosebumps

Does anyone else get goosebumps listening to "Tuesday Morning" by Michelle branch? Or have I contracted some sort of deadly song induced virus?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Train to nowhere

Every morning my train pulls into A certain station, halfway between work and home. Halfway between quiet solitude and the white noise of commerce. As the commuters pile on and off the train I stare at the ticker showing trains heading out of the city. I wonder what it would be like to forget my days pursuits and responsibilities and just ride that train out of the city.

One day I might find out. That day is not today.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

GroundHog Day and Today Mashup

Groundhog Day and Today by the Smashing Pumpkins Mashup! How awesome is that?

http://vimeo.com/20291066

Awesome Social Media Venn Diagram TShirt

This is by far the best representation of social media that I have ever seen!

View Now

Heatwave

Its one of those good old Australian summers in Sydney - like I remember as a kid. Recently our summers have been much more mild and wet - but this year its a good old fashioned stinker. So far the last 3 days have been 41, 43 and due for 40 again today. It will be sunday before we see the lower side of 35 degrees Celcius.

The cicadas are back. Theres something magical about a hot summers evening. The sun (finally) dipping below the horizon - but the heat persisting. The sounds of insects winging around. The chattering of flying foxes in the eucalypts - snacking on the nectar. The hot north-westerly winds blowing, and the hint of smoke from the all too familiar bushfires. Watching my pet dog chase ice cubes around on the floor. Its all part of the rich tapestry of summer.

Ok - I'm over it now. I'm ready for Autumn!

Australia Day

It's Australia Day. 9am - and like every other true blooded Australian I'm looking to start canning on. Yet - no grog shops are open. This is totally un-australian. Hang you head in shame Australia!

Smashing Pumpkins named Beatweek Indie Artist of the Year

A welcome and suprising pick. Through the bulk of their stellar existence, the pumpkins have been on major labels. Until now. Billy corgan has given the entire recording industry a big "fuck you". Not only are they releasing every song from their new forty-four song album Teargarden By Kaleidyscope, on their website for free (as well as some beautiful boxed CDs/LPs you can buy) - they are doing it one song at a time as each song is finished.

The pumpkins are back, and in a big way. Anyone who has seen the latest lineup, or listened to any of their new tracks can contest to that fact.

http://www.beatweek.com/music/musicianinterviews/7854-smashing-pumpkins-beatweek-2010-indie-artist-of-the-year/<

Also checkout www.smashingpumpkins.com/ to download free tracks.

Game Over

My brain is full. Please deposit another token to continue. That is all.

Deciphering Appliance Icons

I'm not talking about computer icons here - but the indecipherable icons used by appliance manufacturers the world over. Especially European appliance who tout their "design" excellence - which generally translates into the inability to use them. Hell they look good though.



Came in to work this morning feeling pretty chipper. Hell, its friday and I'm in a rare good mood. Saunter up to the coffee machine (one of those stainless steel automated euro thingamees - plastered with "Design Award 2009" Stickers - hell those awards were probably made up by the magnificent bastards in their marketing cesspool). I whack my cup on the machine - select the desired strength (one notch down from "Cornholio" Strength) - And hit the button (the give me coffee now button.



The machine does its usual clicking and whirring then stops - and some weird looking light starts blinking. It looks strangely like two amoebas duelling with salad forks while its snowing all around them. By now, my lack of coffee has dropped my mood from good - to moderate and I'm a little bit miffed. After several attempts at percussive maintenance (I smacked it around a couple of times at various angles) - I had to resort to reading the manual. Fuck - I really need a coffee. After 5 minutes of navigating through the various obscure languages - I find english. OK - so its out of beans. Ok, I can deal with that.



Thank god we have spare coffee otherwise I might have started looking for a shotgun at this point. OK, fill the pissy little compartment at the top of the machine with beans (damn they smell good) - its a grind called Cafe Exotica. With a sensual name like that it outa be good. But I digress. Ok - hit the "give me a fucking coffee now you stupid machine" button again..Whir Click Whir. More fucking lights!!!



The ameobas are still lit up like a little chrismas tree but now I have an exclamation mark. WTF. So I figure I fucked up with the beans somehow. Even though its like the simplest task in the world. More percussive maintenance, few attempts at swearing at it. No dice. Ok - back to the manual. Apparently, Amoebas and Exclamation mark means something far different. It means the little tray at the back that holds the coffee remains/corpses is full. At this point I'm suprised such a tray exists as I haven't emptied it in over a year. Oh well, first time for anything. I tip the disgusting contents out into the nearest recepticle. And try again.



FUCK! Ameobas are gone - the big mofo exclamation mark defiantly remains. At this point I am about ready to teach this machine a lesson. Sure its an ininimate object and can't feel pain - but I don't care. I need coffee, and this fucking piece of meta and euro shit is testing my patience.



Yet again I attempt to decipher to holy writings of the euro coffee maker gods. Ok - exclamation mark without duelling ameobas in a snowstorm means the water is empty. At this point I consider pehas adding something with a little more kick than water, as my day has rapidly deteriorated. I resist the urge, booze is best straight up anyhow (might clean the inner workings of the machine tho...wonder if thats in the service manual). I fill up the water..and press the "give me coffee or you will be smashed into a million pieces" button - huzzah! Success! Ah crap - milk is out of date. Fuck it - at this point I don't care.

Live Music

Theres nothing quite like it. I have been absent from this scene in recent years - I guess life just got in the way. Now I'm lucky to have the opportunity to see some of my favourite bands I have idolised since I was a youngster - live, in the flesh and better than ever.



Earlier this Year it was the Smashing Pumpkins. My all time favourite band. By far. I have seen the Pumpkins many times - from the '96 Mellon Collie Tour when I was still in high school - rocking the "Zero" Tshirt. To the '98 Adore Tour - picture billing corgan in a full length black vampire cape cranking out ava adore. When they broke up in 2000 - it was heart breaking. So to the false start with Zwan. So when they came back around - I had to go see them. The new lineup has the same energy and sound as the original - only Billy remains from the original 4. His voice is a strong as ever, and their new songs hark back to a pumpkins before Mellon Collie. The gig was the best I have ever seen. Intimate (by modern big band standards) - and my ears were ringing for 3 days afterwards. Rock on! My final memory was a 30 minute rendition of "gossamer". Long live the pumpkins! They are now releasing an 11 Disc compendium of their new tracks - one at a time via their web store - no record label - no bullshit. Just raw unadulterated pumpkins. Check them out @ www.smashingpumpkins.com and download the tracks for free!



Next - Its bon Jovi in December. I saw them back in '96 at Eastern Creek as a bright eyed bushy tailed youngster. It was the classic rock gig in a field. Including a violent hailstorm before the band came on. It was dirty, muddy and we all hurt like hell. But 3 hours (yes 3 hours) of Bon Jovi tunes made it all worthwhile!

Coming Soon

For a while I have been thinking about a bit of a venture on the side, and I have finally got around to making a start on it. Its a new business (yes another one!) will will focus essentially on all design facets (from web, print, architectural/landscaping), consultation and various IT related services.



It even has its first customer! A friend is coproducing a film based on a best selling Australian author and I will be involved in germinating an online presence. Very exciting. Looking forward to lending a hand to get a great Australian independent film heard!

Its name? Well the hue of this site is a big part of it. Thats all for now :)



Will share more information as it comes to hand.

I'm only happy when it rains...

Classic Garbage Song! I'm not sure what it is about rain that I love so much. The smell, the weight of the air around you, the sound and emotion. No matter how down I am, just standing and listening to the rain makes my soul feel whole again.



Of course the fact that you can't work or do much when its raining also helps.

Songs to Change Your Life #1

I've never really thought about a soundtrack for your life - theres just too many influences, phases and sheer bulk of music to deal with. I do however believe in a soundtrack for a day or a week of your life. Songs that you have in your head, songs that you think about or have been listening to ad-nausea.



So here is my first set of 10 tracks for this week.

1. Like a Stone - Audioslave


2. All I wanted - Paramore


3. 23 - Jimmy Eat World


4. Reoffender - Travis


5. Time Time of Times - Badly Drawn Boy


6. Dizzy - Jimmy Eat world


7. Always Love - Nada Surf


8. Light Years Away - Mozella


9. Feeling the Moment - Feeder


10. We Might as well be Strangers - Keane

Thoughts

When are your thoughts your own. When can you truly claim ownership and forsake the pressures and influences of others. Are we but a motley collection of random thoughts, feelings and desires. Or is there some deeper understanding of symmetry and archetypal design that is just too hard to comprehend. Some days I just don't know.

Try to understand men

"In every bit of honest writing in the world there is a base theme. Try to understand men, if you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and nearly always leads to love. There are shorter means, many of them. There is writing promoting social change, writing punishing injustice, writing in celebration of heroism, but always that base theme. Try to understand each other."



– John Steinbeck

Down on the Upside

I only write when I'm sad or melancholy. At other times, I just don't have the words.



For me - happiness is like that feeling when you hear a really great band for the first time, or like a dream so good you can't bear to wake up from it. Afraid at any moment that it will be over. And if I talk, or write about it - somehow that threatens its very existence, or the permanence of its current incarnation.

The Power of Music

I love music. How a simple song can change your mood. How the right song can lift you up when your down, can give you hope or push you further into the abyss. How a simple song can encapsulate a range of emotions and memories into a single guitar riff, or combination of lyrics. I remember the first time I heard all my favourite songs, and I relive those memories every time that song plays.

I love how a song can make me sad, and at the same time lift your spirits.

Music is powerful. It is personal. It is a touchstone to our memories and a window to our soul. Music is what it is to be alive.

Do not look back...

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering." - Ida Scott Taylor

I love this quote. I like to think of this whenever my thoughts get mired in the past.

Struggling Against the Tide

Have you ever woken up one day and realise you have become the worst revision of your former self? That somehow all your weaknesses, transgressions, flaws and dislikable qualities have taken hold. That you have lost your way, and try as you might - the tide is too strong for you to swim against. Slowly your former self fades away to the horizon and your left with nothing but a fleeting recollection of who you used to be. The person you want to be. The person you wish with all your heart you are. But are you?



Do I struggle against the tide, or let it sweep me towards the inevitable. And if I do - what does that say about my heart, and my soul - as I would be betraying them both.

Mondays

Don't you love them. I'm in that brief 5 minute window where you think everything might just be ok. The weekend is still fresh in your mind, and somehow the week might just be one of those sparkling beacons that happen albeit occasionally. This will be the week!



Of course, give it five minutes and this wildly optimistic overview of the situation may change. However I choose to instead enjoy this brief window of respite. Ignorance is bliss.



As I sit here and sip my morning brew of exceptionally average instant coffee, and gaze out over the treetops from my quasi urban office window - I can't help but wish it was Friday.

Holy Shit - Its a Dinosaur

Eat your heart out Jurassic Park - I've got a bone fide fucking tyrannosaurus Rex living in my house - as witnessed by this photographic evidence! Sure some of you fucktards will claim that this dinosaur isn't real. Well to that I say - bah!

Australian Country Border Security

This ad by Toyota is utterly fantastic! A must watch.

Not So Merry Christmas

What is the deal with Christmas? Every January I see all these poor sloths come back from their christmas break and they dead set look like either that sat on a bicycle with no seat or their dog died (or perhaps both concurrently). So much for Christmas being the happiest time of the year.



I for one don't see why these crybabies are so sad.

• For starters - you get time off work. In what sick demented parallel universe could that be considered bad
  
  



• You get to eat copious amounts of food - especially meat. Bring on ye olde roast meats. Sure you might stack some pounds on, but what the hell. I'm sure jeebus wants us to eat lots of dead animals.
  
  



• Traffic is awesome - if you do have to go to work, its 100 times faster. Because all those stupid kids are at home bugging the shit out of their parents and not being ferried to school by soccer mums who apparently never really were able to get a grasp around the whole driving thang.
  
  



• You get presents. Need I say more. Better still, you can buy yourself shit like a big screen TV and claim it came from a jolly fat man in a red suit. Because lets face it - everyone else buys you crap anyway.
  
  

So buck up you crazy fuckers - and be happy, merry, or whatever the hell does it for you.

Shit, Where did 2009 go?

Fancy that - 2009 has come and gone. I almost managed to go an entire year without a post on here. Nice!
Ah well, when you don't have shit to say, you don't have shit to say. Kind of like this post I guess.

2010 is looking very promising with lots of new projects and things going on.

And who knows - maybe I will actually post some more this year.

Myrtle the Kangaroo

Here's a very Aussie Story for Australia Day:



The Extraordinary Life of a Roo Called Myrtle

Happy New Year

Happy new year meatbags! Yes, another year has rolled around. I hope everyone out there has a fab new year and all that jazz.

Black Stallion Energy Drinks

Am I the only one who misses those? They were fantastic! By far better than any energy drink ever! But where did they go, why did they get pulled?



Perhaps it was the hallucinations caused by drinking too many of these bad boys. I myself had some absolutely awesome hallucinations where I saw monkeys bouncing round the car after about 5 of them in a row. My brother had even more bizarre sightings of shit including gumby, a deer with a power cord coming out of its head - and ribena berries bouncing down the road.



I for one welcome any sort of beverage which causes these awesome flights of fancy! But alas - they are no more. Perhaps there is a few cases sitting around in a warehouse somewhere.. perhaps not. All I know is, the world is definately a less magical place now its gone. RIP Black Stallion - *wipes away a tear* - I miss you every day!



If you want to read my deranged rantings about the aforementioned monkeys - Click Here

Christmas Lights

Well its that time of the year again. Christmas lights are going up (aka self aware-self igniting-house combustion systems) all over the place - and not the good kind. How can I make such categorisation I hear you ask - good question fuckstick. I shall elaborate.



There are two sorts of christmas lights - (1) Well planned and executed - not merely safety in numbers, but a tasteful display of ordered and considered form (2) Shitloads of crappy lights in the shapes of god knows what (whatever was on sale at the local cheapo store I gather) strung precariously on anything that either moves, has moved at some time) or perhaps will never move in the future - those friggen blowup santas with lights that look like the marshmellow man out of ghostbusters - and other various tacky decorations.



So you managed to bathe the front of your house in 600 million crappy lights. Congratulations - its not like it takes brains. In fact - doing that would likely require the absence of brains.



I on the other hand consider myself a Christmas lights artisan. I take the finest lights available, and craft them into mesmorising forms and shapes. Last year it was a 25 foot wire christmas tree with over 4,000 colored lights, and a self contained wire star on top with 2,000 of its own clear lights. It was self supporting, requiring nothing to hold its shape - other than the wire I used to craft it. Now thats how you do christmas lights you fuckers.



So whats next? Who knows. I wanted to have a go at cracking the 50ft barrier with a new tree (alongside the existing 25 foot one of course) - or perhaps even higher! The skys the limit. Which brings me to my next challenge - a 50ft tree on top of my roof. Yeah baby!

Mortal Combat - Central Park Style

This is friggen hillarious! Mortal Combat never looked so good!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOYjtSumBRo

Now Coming to an Adium near you...BOFH!

I've always loved BOFH. Theres nothing better than taking time out to read a few BOFH articles and let the world slowly melt away.



And now - you too can have BOFH excuses generated from the comfort of your own adium! Sweet!



BOFH Adium Script

Working From Home

Read this great article on Wired about Telecommuting.



Its amazing that in this day and ages, with such obvious benefits - that it is still frowned apon. The biggest problem is the groups/people who cant/won't work from home and suffer from some obvious jealously issues. Why isn't IT here for me to crawl up their ass about my inane problem?



How about I make you a deal. I'll work from work if you:

1. Do not interrupt me every minute with stupid shit. How anyone is supposed to have enough time to get any work done is beyond me. Focus in blocks of 3 minutes or less = fuck all work done.


2. You subsidize parking/transport - especially in these days of ridiculous petrol prices, overcrowded and irregular public transport.


3. You create an environment where one is able to focus without the general ambient noise killing me (seriously - open plan was cool once - but not any more!) Any room with > 20 ppl in an enclosed space is just asking for trouble

Thats my update, have a great day. And no - I'm not WFH today - just in case you wanted to know!

Something Clever For a Friday Arvo

Heard this from somewhere or other - thought it was pretty clever.




"One of the most interesting operations was the laundry mat [sic]. Having lost many troops and civilians to bombings, the Brits decided they needed to determine who was making the bombs and where they were being manufactured. One bright fellow recommended they operate a laundry and when asked "what the hell he was talking about," he explained the plan and it was incorporated -- to much success.




The plan was simple: Build a laundry and staff it with locals and a few of their own. The laundry would then send out "color coded" special discount tickets, to the effect of "get two loads for the price of one," etc. The color coding was matched to specific streets and thus when someone brought in their laundry, it was easy to determine the general location from which a city map was coded.




While the laundry was indeed being washed, pressed and dry cleaned, it had one additional cycle -- every garment, sheet, glove, pair of pants, was first sent through an analyzer, located in the basement, that checked for bomb-making residue. The analyzer was disguised as just another piece of the laundry equipment; good OPSEC [operational security]. Within a few weeks, multiple positives had shown up, indicating the ingredients of bomb residue, and intelligence had determined which areas of the city were involved. To narrow their target list, [the laundry] simply sent out more specific coupons [numbered] to all houses in the area, and before long they had good addresses. After confirming addresses, authorities with the SAS teams swooped down on the multiple homes and arrested multiple personnel and confiscated numerous assembled bombs, weapons and ingredients. During the entire operation, no one was injured or killed."

Reasons Why Today Blows Big Meaty Chunks

1. The aircon at work is broken still/always
2. The hamburglars birthday is still a whole 2 months away
3. My carefactor has dropped so low that it cannot be expressed using a signed 32 bit integer
4. I'm friggen tired
5. I have so many helpdesk tickets coming out my ass that I'm walking funny

Well, that's my top 5 anyhow. I would rant further - but I am verging on delirium from my lack of sleep. This is usually about when I morph into a smurf. Well - at least I have that to look forward to I guess.

My Week

If this doesn't sum up my week - nothing will.

My Grandpa

It is with a heavy heart that I write this post. My grandfather passed away recently and looking at the amazing life he lived,
the great adventures, trials - and tribulations, and also his amazing character of mind and spirit - I sit and smile. I
remember the good times, the warmth and love.



I remember his laugh and his silly sense of humour. The many hours he spent teaching me how to be a golfer - and more importantly, how to be a good person.
He was always encouraging - never disparaging. And with a kindness that will always endure. I always wanted to grow
up and to be just like my grandpa.



I used to watch him woodworking for hours, asking stupid questions and taking notes.
For me their house was my second home as a child. And it felt like they were as much my parents as my own.



I used to love curling up on the couch in the evenings,and grandpa would regale me with stories from his colourful life.
From his time in the army, to his life in Canada before migrating to Australia and the countless trips around
australia and the rest of the world. Sometimes they would be repeated - but I didnt care. I just loved hearing them.



Memory is more indelible than ink. And there is where my grandpa will live on. He will always be with me. And every day hundreds
of little things will remind me of him. And when it does - I will stop and smile, and remember my grandfather.

Take your iPhone Rhetoric and Shove it Up Your Ass

For the last time - no I will not be buying an iPhone. I would prefer to have a giant wart the size of a colopus monkey on my ass - than to buy one of those festy pieces of shit. What is this stupid desire to have useless piece O shit gadgets? Its a shit phone, with a shit camera, with some touch screen sorcery - that costs a mint. Get over it.


Unlike the vast majority of sheep - err consumers - I don't buy shit purely because it is new. I want a phone. I don't want a camera (I already have a GOOD camera- not the useless shithouse cameras on these phones), I don't want an MP3 player, a video player, a portable tazer, or any other useless gadget. Heres an idea you fuckers - how about you make the fucking things cheaper. I couldn't give a flying fuck about a great new gadget. I would prefer a phone that doesn't break if you drop it, doesn't scratch (unless you keep it in some sort of gay ass aftermarket pouch/protector. Quality and durability - now theres a thought!



The next person who mentions an iPhone will be getting an iEnima.

Public transport and the leg Spread Epedemic

You know what shits me about traveling on the trains (yes - I know this is a friggen long list of possibilities). Its those damn morons that chuck mega legspreads when sitting on the seat next to you.



A "normal" person (and I use that term very loosely) will sit on a seat with their knees pretty close together - you know, to give the other fucker sitting next to them room to exist in time and space. These twats think its their god given right to use up every single millimeter of space - while you are crammed up against the window.



I half expect a Doctor to turn up and start saying "Come on push! Almost there" and a baby to shoot out.



Why do they do it? Fucknose. Perhaps its some sort of ritual to fend off the evil wedgie gods, or maybe they think they are some sort of dope skatie dudes - or that they just plain think they are too cool for school.



Well I have a news flash for your Walter Cronkite - You Aren't!

I am Jason Bourne

Fuck the Bourne Supremacy is on again. If I see this movie one more time I might actually start to be believe that I am Jason Bourne (again). Now don;t get me wrong. This movie does rock. I mean - shit, he jumps between buildings and through windows and shit, and nails bad guys like its going out of style - its just that the limp dicked knobs at your local paytv company seem to think that by playing one movie hundreds of times ad nauseum - that we will proclaim them gods among men - and open our wallets and credit cards to pay for their next marketing masturbatory fantasy. Also known as Foxtel HD+..



So I'm left with a few options - (1) smash the shit out of the TV to prevent the nasty covert Ops from subverting my brainwaves (2) Become Bourne and go on some sort of kickass car chase and blow some meanies to the shit (3) Have some nasty ass flashbacks to my days as a spy - possibly involving some sort of explosions and shit (4) Change the channel.



Man - don't make me choose just one! Urge to smash growing..



I hate it when these bastards ruin movies like this for me, last time this happened was with the Lizzy Maguire Movie (no wait, did I just say that out loud) - Bah fuck it.. I don't care what you think! I liked it! Except gordo - that little wheeny made me want to smack him in the nuts with a croquet mallet

TV Has Gone to the Shit

What is it with all the shit movies (or even lack thereof) of movies at all on TV these days.



When I was a kid there was a friggen movie every night at 8:30 on weekends, even even some weekdays. Now what do we get? Fuckin reality tv. Seriously, how long is this bad case of reality TV herpes going to persist? I swear, I can gain more cultural insight and entertainment value watching my dog lick her own ass.



And shit, if its not another reality TV show its another bloody Crime drama. If I see another fricken CSI show - I'm going to snap. What is this obsession with crime? If you want to see crime so badly I'll come around and smack you around with an ugly stick. Hell, there is no end to what I would do to not have to watch some lameass crime drama again.



Is this what we have been reduced to? Reality tv shows (some retard singing, dancing, joining a circus etc etc) crime dramas (CSI Mount Druitt, CSI Elevator Inspectors unit) and now we have the next lame set of reality tv shows - hairdressers. Seriously - who the fuck wants to watch a tv show where obvious morons all vie for some supreme honour of being king shit of fucking hairdresser hill.

Another Week

I know! Not very creative - but hey! I only have a certain amount of creativity to be dispensed on a weekly basis, and to hell if I'm going to use it for a simple blog post. So deal with it!

Its been one of those weeks. You know the ones. Where it would have been a far more enjoyable experience to incrementally remove my brain with a salad fork then to deal with reality.

C'est la vie - or to put it in more familiar terms - shit happens.


Well, thats about all I've got to contribute to this big giant steaming cesspool of a blog. Stay tuned for more erratic, ill timed and strangely intriguing posts from yours truly.

Tell Me Why, I don't like Projects .....

(sung to the tune of I don't like Mondays) - thanks to Sir Bob Geldof.

What IS IT with )(*^&^%&*(^ Project Managers? Do you only become a Project Manager when you can show you have NO BRAIN, no understanding of basic concepts??
(Apologies to those 2 Project Managers that DO know how to manage a project)

Sorry, needed to vent ......... that is ALL.

Quote of the Day

"Risk Everything, or Gain Nothing" - Geoffrey De Charney, 1358

Geoffrey de Charney, or Geoffroy de Charnay, was Preceptor of Normandy for the Knights Templar, burned alive along with Jacques de Molay in 1314.

Geoffrey de Charney was initially sentenced to lifetime imprisonment with de Molay, and was burned with de Molay in 1314 after both proclaimed their innocence, recanting torture-induced confessions.

I'm Bacccckkkkkkk

Holy testicle tuesday - err friday batman. Thats right! After a good 2 year hiatus Mofoisms is back in town.

Why? Good question grasshopper. Unfortunately I can't be assed taking the time to respond. Suffice to say I couldn't be assed looking after hosting and paying my hard earned spondoolies onto a domain name.

In time I may migrate the crappulent data off there back to here. In time...

No Posts?

Yes I am posting, on my new site. In the words of BonJovi "I guess I'd rather die than fade away". being that dying really isnt an option, go checkout my new site www.mofoisms.com.

Rainy Weather

I love rainy weather. I'm not sure what it is about it. The cool air, the distinct smell, or just the fact that I'm at work and its not a nice day outside!


It is another one of those weeks that seem to be dragging on. I hate that. As time goes by I am convinced that the weeks are getting longer and the weekends are contracting into nothingness. Well gee, aren't I just a bright ray on sunshine this morning.

Red Dawn

So 2 years ago, i was up late one stormy night watching late night movies, when I happened to flick across to one of the Fox movie channels. A movie called Red Dawn was on, and I was immediately engrosed.



So what the hell is this movie? Well it was released back in 84, and stars a very young Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen. Basically, the US is invaded by Russia from the North and Cuba from the South. A group of high school students manage to escape to the mountains where they wage a war against the Russians.



Propaganda? You bet, but since when does that stop it from being one great movie! I just ordered it online after looking for it for years. Woot!

Work/Public Toilets

What is the go with public toilets, or for that matter work toilets. Is there some reason why a fully functional member of society can't hit a hole the size of a garbage bin from less than 30cm away? Seriously. I reckon a colopous monkey could have a better percentage of "hits" from inside the triangle than some of these miscrients. I'm just sick of it. If I find the local shit slinger I'm going to make them clean it up with their tongue!

Home Brew

Well its finally happened. I have indulged in my own home brew.



What homebrew? Are you crazy. Well, yes and yes. Now shut the hell up. For fathers day I bought my dad a home brew kit. He likes beer, he is constantly bored, so what the hell i figured. However, knowing my dad I placed a caveat on said beer. I told him if he had not used it in 6 months it was mine..




So, 6 weeks later my mom calls. Apparently she doesnt want it taking up space in her laundry. And bingo, I have my self a home brew kit. I love the smell of commerce in the morning! Wait a minute, thats not commerce!



I've always wondered about home brew. Something about the allure of cheap alcohol, and making shit for yourself I guess. So i open this kit up. Read the instructions (yes, im scared too). Its a Coopers home brew kit. Contains everything. Even a gimp could follow the instructions (wheres Brad when I need him).

So i mix this shit up. Looks like something from a bad chest cold or maple syrup,Water, yeast, more water and let it sit for 7 days. During this time it belches and farts out C02 and makes a whole lotta noise. During that time my laundry smelt I would imagine fairly similiar to a brewery, and After 7 days, its time to bottle. So I fill 29 of these mofo 750ml bottles with beer. And stash them somewhere cool and dark to do something.



What next? Gotta wait for this shit to like age, or grow tits or something. 14 days to 3 months (the longer the better). If I can wait that long. Im thirsty now dammit.



So stay tuned, and we will find out if it tastes like the ass end of a duck, or beer! Only time will tell!



if all goes well I may be illegally spreading Farmer Marks Homebrand Beer around. Processed the old fashioned way, in my laundry with a home brew kit. Now if that doesnt make you thirst, I dont know what will!

Awesome Quote By Edward R. Murrow

This quote was sent to me by a work geek, and it has really struck a chord with me.



"We will not walk in fear, one of another. We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason if we dig deep in our history and doctrine and remember that we are not descended from fearful men, not from men who feared to write, to speak, to associate and to defend causes which were for the moment unpopular. We can deny our heritage and our history, but we cannot escape responsibility for the result. There is no way for a citizen of the Republic to abdicate his responsibility." - March 9, 1954, Edward R. Murrow



When America was drowning in cowardice and demagoguery, it was Murrow who hurled the spear at the terror. The spear was his See It Now television broadcast on Senator Joe McCarthy.



Murrow did not kill off McCarthy or McCarthyism, but he helped halt America's incredible slide toward a native brand of fascism. Unbelievable. You had to live through the times to know how fearful -- indeed, terrorized -- people were about speaking their minds. The cold war with Russia, the threat of a hot war with China, security programs and loyalty oaths -- all had cowed the citizens of the most powerful nation on earth into keeping their minds closed and their mouths shut. The Senate of the United States. in order not to appear Red, chose to be yellow. It was the Age of McCarthyism. Edward R. Murrow helped bring it to an end.



Read More

Happy 2nd Birthday Mofoisms

Your the birthday, your the birthday, your the birthday boy or girl. Happy birthday Mofoisms. its hard to believe that it has been 2 years since the mofoisms opened its doors! In that time, there has been a huge pile of crap posted here. And im sure that will continue for many years to come!

Holy Comatosed Blogging Batman

Well ok, its been a little while since my last post. Ok, scrap that, a long time. Ok scrap that, an eternity. What can I say, I've been busy lately, so stop your bitching or I'll smack you like a red headed step child.



So what have I been doing that has pulled me away from my blogging duties? The usual I guess: Work and Play. I mean I cant spend every waking moment blogging away can I? That sounds like a dare.



Anyway, a big part of my time has been taken up by my new business venture with Shteeben. So far so good! We are slowly but surely taking over the world, the world as you know it! So stay tuned. Ill try and post a little more often.. No promises though!

Christmas Helpers

What is the deal with Christmas anyway? There I was on Friday standing in a queue of about 15 people waiting for the ONE sales assistant to help me ........ one down, 14 to go ......... tick tock tick tock ..........
HELLO!!!!!! There are hundreds of people willing to work over Christmas. Is it FAIR to leave this poor sod behind the electronics counter ALL BY HIMSELF??? Where is the Store Manager ...??? FFS!!!
Then, to the lady who walked up when I was BUSY being served to complain about how she wanted to buy XYZ MP3 player for her daughter and "what kind of store was this to be sold out already?"
OI!!! Bozo!!!! Buy your presents earlier!!!!
*sigh*

Denial is the First Stage of Rehabilitation

Well its official. My Christmas light madness has reached a new level. Yesterday while minding my own business, strolling through my local Bunnings Warehouse (damn fine Store! Highly recommended - no really.) I spied the Christmas Lights section.



Now somehow, my mind managed within a few microseconds to have already convinced itself that I needed more christmas lights. It then proceeded to force me over to the lights, and purchase said lights. Im a little scared and believe I may have some sort of obsession here. Even the good people at Bunnings seem to know me now, and even remarked "Buying more lights?".



Now as Denial is the first stage of rehabilitation, I believe I may be on to step two. Im not sure. Any phsycologists out there feel free to drop me a line and let me know how bad my phsycosis really is. In any event, I'm all ready for the big unveiling this weekend. Its going to be one long saturday hanging lights.

The Glorious Fourth

One of my old work mates has just released a single with his new Band, the "Glorious Fourth" The Glorious Fourth are a Rock/Pop 3 piece band from Newtown with
Kenneth Wallace: guitar, lead vocals, Dominic Thurbon:bass, backing vocals
Andrew Axton: drums.



Their debut Single "Six Feet Down Under" is awesome. Visit their website, listen to the samples and buy their Single! Stay tuned for the official launch of their EP!



Visit the Website!

Storms and Rain are My Bag Baby

I have to say, I absolutely love storms and rain. I'm not sure exactly what makes me like them so much. The sound of rain on the roof particularly when trying to drift off to sleep is just so relaxing. Watching storm clouds roll in, thunder and lightning is just fascinating. It's a shame that we are in a drought at the moment, it has been so long since we had the usual summer afternoon storms every single day.



I love summer. Long hot days, afternoon and evening thunderstorms. Its just fantastic! (as Long as My car is under cover of course!)

Product Placement

Marks Metaphorical Mofoisms is proudly sponsored by Pump! Bottling tap water and selling to you at inflated prices for years! 

Its Using the Trees!

Oh My God! I am... THE PREDATOR! hahaha - Comon! That was Funny! It just never gets old, does it. What a fantastic Movie! Rock On!



This was taken on one of many stupid trips in the car... Enough said!




 

"Who GIves a Shit" Week

Well those who know me may or may not remember "Who Gives a Shit" Day (I believe it was one of my birthdays) where we just drove around with no destination in particular, and basically just did stuff. Well, this is who gives a shit week. It's my last week at my current job, I discovered I'm allergic to bullshit and morons, so this place really isn't such a good fit for me. With that in mind, you can imagine my carefactor is verging on non-existant. To top it off, after an adventure in "wine" land yesterday I'm feeling about as seedy as wholegrain mustard.



Its amazing how liberating making a life changing decision can be. I mean, I could have stayed here for years/decades longer I guess, but that is not where I want my life to go. I want to wake up and want to go to work, to be challenged and stimulated (not that way you sick bastards), I want my actions to be appreciated and worthwhile. The exact opposite of my current situation.



Change is good. Change is inevitable. Go with the flow, have guts to make the change, have the guts to dare for more. Or don't. This isn't a communist paradise! You control your destiny. Fuck me, this is turning into one of those damn self help willpower seminars. On that note - Peace, I'm Outta Here!

How Long to Christmas?

Well, it has begun. One of my neighbours beat me to it! They already have xmas lights! Bastards! Even if they are fairly pitiful. I have already stuck a bunch of lights up, hopefully lulling them into a false sense of superiority. Next weekend I will be coming in with the big play, the 150+ metres of lights will be going up. Yeah baby! They won't know what hit them!



It is definately good to see someone else fostering that christmas spirit, christmas this year will definately be a magical experience! I mean, the first christmas together with my lovely wife, christmas lights and decorations, good food, family - its all there!

Singularity

Singularity is a research project focused on the construction of dependable systems through innovation in the areas of systems, languages, and tools. We are building a research operating system prototype (called Singularity), extending programming languages, and developing new techniques and tools for specifying and verifying program behavior.



Advances in languages, compilers, and tools open the possibility of significantly improving software. For example, Singularity uses type-safe languages and an abstract instruction set to enable what we call Software Isolated Processes (SIPs). SIPs provide the strong isolation guarantees of OS processes (isolated object space, separate GCs, separate runtimes) without the overhead of hardware-enforced protection domains. In the current Singularity prototype SIPs are extremely cheap; they run in ring 0 in the kernel’s address space..




Singularity uses these advances to build more reliable systems and applications. For example, because SIPs are so cheap to create and enforce, Singularity runs each program, device driver, or system extension in its own SIP. SIPs are not allowed to share memory or modify their own code. As a result, we can make strong reliability guarantees about the code running in a SIP. We can verify much broader properties about a SIP at compile or install time than can be done for code running in traditional OS processes. Boarder application of static verification is critical to predicting system behavior and providing users with strong guarantees about reliability..




Want to know more?



Singularity Website


Technical Report

All Systems Go

Well after another day "Working From Home" due to the Lane Cove "Hole" I managed to do a system test of my 2000+ christmas lights. I'm proud to say that I definately do not suffer from epilepsy as all 2000+ bulbs blinking was quite a sight. I did go into momentary convulsions, but they soon passed.



Im currently formulating a plan, to try and take over the world. Well, ok, two plans! One to take over the world, and one to figure out where to hang these babies!



Watch this space!

Melbourne Cup

Well, its that time of the year again. Now Im not a big gambling person, it could be that I don't need any help pissing my money away, or possibly that I just don't like horses (apart from their obvious glue making strengths). However, just for today, I will indulge in the celebrations (read: food and drink) whilst not putting down any bets.



Well, that was a fairly boring tirade. Surely I can do better, right? *shrugs* I don't know. I mean, I'm at work so thats a definate downer. I have 9 days of work left before I start my new job, well - thats an upper definately. So far, I'm neutral. Im sure after the first dickhead user of the day, I'll be back to my usual rantings,bitching and moaning about this and that. Stay Tuned Loyal Viewer!

Christmas Lights

I read with interest Mark and Shteeben planning on lighting the Southern Hemisphere with their Christmas Lights.

I LOVE Christmas and Christmas lights ........ beautiful!!!

However, the fun in putting them up and watching them twinkle pales into insignificance when you realise "what goes UP, must come DOWN".
Or else, leave them up all year like the old guy down the road - no-one will notice anyway because you would have cut the power to the lights and be running your entire house on the generator you now need because your electricty bill for December was the same as a small country!!!!!

Enjoy!!

Xmas Light Madness

Well, its official. IM about ready to commit myself to the nuthouse (pending an available suite of course). Over the weekend I bought yet more Xmas Lights. Im not sure what has sent me off on this wild flight of fancy this year, perhaps if the first xmas as a married man, perhaps Ive been taking too much of my "Class A" medications.



I believe I have somewhere in the vicinity of 1500+ bulbs, with an estimated 150 metres of wire. Now thats one helluva lot of lights. And through my thrify purchasing powers, quite cheap too!



Now I know this has the possibility of turning into a National Lampoons Style Xmas, and believe me - I know that would be cool! Now I just have to get up the carefactor to hang these mofos! Hmm maybe later!~

Mark V The Spiders: Episode 4 "Spider Genocide"

Ok, well I thought it was time for an update on Mark vs the Spiders. After a few more daring raids into Mark Territory, I have my own version of the Manhattan Project aka "Pest Guy" to come and spray the place for bugs, and particularly spiders.



Now far from admitting defeat, I think of this more as my independence day! For too long have these 8 legged assclowns been in control, for far too long have I had to be wary of the bastards!



With that, Im off to point and laugh at some spiders, for soon they will be history!

Rainforest

Heard the funniest line watching Seinfeld over the weekend. Just after Jerry learns that George takes off his Shirt when he goes to the bathroom he says "Knowing you is like being in a rainforest, Im scared and I don't know what I will find".



Anyway, I thought it was funny. Well, it is monday so who knows. Ah yes, Monday. I will put on my Garfield persona like a mink coat and announce "I Hate Mondays". Ah, that feels better. Venting usually does. However this monday seems strangely different to a normal Monday. I mean, its still Monday, Im wearing Pants, and Im at work - so what could be different? Maybe its just my state of mind. Im still unusually jubilent after my liberation last week, so perhaps it is still the throngs of my euphoria? In any event, Im not complaining.

Google Ads

Well, Im sorry. But ive gone to the dark side of the force. In short, Ive added some google ads to the site. I have made them as unobtrusive as possible, so please don't hate me! In short, they will fund the new mofoisms.net webzine which will go live soon, which will have no ads so bear with me!

Life Patterns

Ever thought about what you do every day, and wonder when it is you reach a point where you do something out of pure reflex or through learned behaviour. When does something you despise end up being a daily occurance, and something you "just do".



How often does other people's behaviour and actions shape our own? And how much credence do we give to such events? When do we lose touch of our true identity and become part of the huddled masses?



Who can answer these thoughtful, yet slightly obtruse questions I decided to pose this morning?

Hamburglar Hill

Well, its finally happened. I finally grew some balls and did something I was wanting to do for a long time. Quit my job. Marriage has definately helped me to get a new perspective on life. Being so happy in one portion of your life forces you to confront the areas of your life that arent so happy. Which brings me to my job.



Its a case of never really "asking" to work for this company. Unfortunately my nirvana was bought out by a bigger meaner Gorilla and subsequently shutdown. Instinct to survive kicked in, and Ive spent the last X number of years through countless restructures trying to remain employed. And for what? My heart isnt in it, Im not challenged, and im stagnating. My career is doing a homer simpsons (running around in circles on the floor going whoo whoop whoop). SO its time to make a change.



So I did it, I resigned. And I have to say, it feels good! Now time to get my career back on track!

Project Proliferation

I know steve has touched on this before, but its my turn to spin the preverbial wordsmith. Its amazing how many projects you can have on the go go, without actually achieving diddly squat with any of them, or even making any progress. Over the years I have definately started my fair share of projects. SOme really "out there" projects, some run of the mill projects. But when it comes down to the crunch. I havent finished many.



Reasons? Excuses? Damn straight. I won't strain the relationship by describing them here. Suffice to say I am lacking in several key areas - Carefactor and Persistence. In any event, I have decided to setup a project register and to formalise my endeavors on a variety of projects to better facilitate the development lifecycles. In short. Im going to focus my efforts on strategic goals and outcomes - and hopefully you will see some Mark-Brand Projects actually finished in the near future.

Cypress Lakes Golf Day

Recovery, and from golf? Damn straight. I was lucky enough to be part of a corporate golf junket day at Cypress Lakes yesterday! and boy howdy! What Fun! Our team came away with a second place in Irish FOursomes, and not only that - I came away with both longest drives (front and back 9) with a couple of monstrous tee shots. I tell you, there is nothing better than caning around agolf course on a motorised buggy, Beer in one hand, several standby beers in cup holders, pie in the other and playing golf.. Brilliant!



My Review of the Course



Brillliant, 4/5.



My first thoughts, for a championship course (and we played off the blue markers read: members tees) it was damn short. The front and back nines are much different. The front nine is very undulating, huge elevation changes and tight fairways. The back nine is more links-style with open fairways (large) with subtle elevation changes. THe entire course has heaps of bunkers, and not just bunkers. We are talking deep, contoured and sunken bunkers here. Water hazards are plenty, but dont bother you unless you truly do something stupid. The front nine has some awesome views, as does the back 9. Well worth a play if your anywhere near the Hunter Valley!

BrainBuzz

An interesting site with latest technology news and other information. Check it out! You won't be dissapointed, well, you might be, but its still cool!



Check it Out! NOW!

I'm Back!

Thats Right! I'm bacvk at work after what I can only describe as the best three weeks of my life. I was married to my Darling Catherine on the 24th of September at Minchin Gardens, Richmond. It was an absolutely perfect day, and one I will never forget. When I get a chance, I will get the photos online!

Fiddle De De

I know I havent posted much lately, but I have been busy. So friggen lay off!! ANyways, see you all in October! Peace out!

Ordering Online

Well, checking my email this morning I have an email from an unamed company Im buying unamed merchandise from ONLINE. They basically crap on and go "oh by the way, because you paid by credit card we need two forms of ID before we will charge your card". Now for starters, Credit card was the ONLY fucking method of payment, but I digress! Now they want me to fax my drivers licence, copy of utility/credit card bill or other misc crap to them before they will charge my card. Now I ask you this, what is the fucking point of a credit card, or using it online if you have to fax shit to these knobs before they will even charge it!



I buy online so I dont have to piss about with stores, salesman and dealing with shitheads, so I find myself pissed off that I have to basically prove who the fuck I am. Just charge the fucking card!!

Welcome to Thursday

Another day another dollar. Well thats a bit of a masochistic way of looking at things, but frankly - I don't really care. I'm resigned to the inevitable, but I take heart in the fact that saturday is fast approaching. That in itself, definately will help me get through the day.



As I sit here and guzzle my coke, and munch of BBQ Shapes (breakfast of champions) I can't help but think what I would be doing if I wasn;t stuck here at work. Would I be sleeping? Watching TV, or generally doing nothing constructive. Although, I can hardly say that the shit I do day to day is always constructive. It's like pissing on a bushfire - hot, dirty, and if your not careful you will will be burnt alive. I know in IT we like to think of ourselves as firfighters, not by choice mind you, but by the mean fact that we are constantly putting out fires, fixing problems and generally running around like crazed idiots trying to save shit.



Well with that final thought, I;m going to stick my firemans hat on and head back into the fray. And remember, only you can make a difference preventing forest fires :p

Wheres my Fucking Service?

Customer service really has gone to the shithouse these days. Remember the good old days, where you were treated with respect, where you got what you paid for, where salesmen were actually helpful. These days, your lucky if you don't get violated by some totally retarded imbocile who is upset that you chose to upset their quiet day by purchasing some of their crappy products.



Well excuse me, but Im giving you money - show me some customer service asshole. The only ace up your sleeve is stooping to their level and acting like a bigger asshole. The whole circle of life then comes into play and they slink back off into that hole they crawled out of.



What more can I say? Meh.

Carefactor Zero

Yes, I know I haven't posted in a while. I believe my carefactor quotient has just dropped below critical level and I basically couldn't be bothered. That, plus I didn't have anything particularly interesting to say.



But then again, that can be said for most of my posts! Stay tuned though, I'm sure I will post some equally boring shit in coming days/weeks/months.

I Hate Tuesday

I seem to be conforming to some sort of trend here. Monday, then Tuesday. Whats next? Wednesday? Thursday. Where will it end. Do i have anything exciting to say, do I ever? I can;t be bothered writing anything so I will end this with a "have a merry f_cking day".

I Hate Monday

My favourite part of Monday is those blissful seconds just after I wake up, where I am not yet fully aware, or conscious of the fact that it is Monday. It's all downhill from there. Or am I being too melodramatic? Possibly, it is also possible that years of reading Garfield have coloured my views on the subject.



Then again, Monday might just plain suck. We shall see I guess.

Australia - The Right to Leave

Our Country has welcomed you and you are now an Australian - As an Australian you are a free person and nobody has the right to take that freedom from you.


As an Australian you have another right....



YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO LEAVE IF YOU SO CHOOSE.



After Sydney not wanting to offend other cultures by putting up Christmas lights. After hearing that the South Australian goverment changed its opinion and let a Muslim woman have her picture on her drivers license with her face covered..



This prompted this editorial written by an Australian citizen..



Published in an Australian newspaper and I quote:.

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT..



I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians..



However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the politically correct crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others..



I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia..



However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand..



This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity..



As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle..



This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom..



We do not go to your home country and attempt to change your way of life, your customs or your heritage, you would not tolerate it. Please give us the same respect you demand from us.



Many of our men and women have fought and died in countries like yours to ensure that you were free to maintain your culture, your heritage and your way of life. Nothing was asked by us in return. You were free to leave that country and make Australia your new home. Any way you look at it they died for you and for your freedom and we, as Australians are proud of them.



We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society-LEARN THE LANGUAGE!.




If the Southern Cross offends you, or you dont like A Fair Go, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.




We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really dont care how you did things where you came from.




This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this.




But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom,




...THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

Software Leper

What is it with people these days, you mention OpenSource in any way and they treat you like a fucking leper. Unless its Microsnot(tm) Branded shite that costs more than the national economy of paraguay, then they aren't interested. I tell you, it shits me to tears.Maybe I'm just turning into a cynical old bastard, but I tell you - this world is going to the dogs.

Bitch Bitch Bitch

I'll tell you, I'm sick of the constant bitching and moaning that goes on these days. What ever happened to freedom of choice? and a different point of view? Apprently these are both falacies, and totally devoid in todays society. Every cocksucker out there thinks they somehow have the right to tell you how to live every facet of your life according to their warped view of reality. Well guess what, this little black duck couldn't give a flying fuck. To all those assgoblins out there, go crawl a little further up your ass and stay there.

Don't leave a message .........

The most hated people in the universe ......... telephone survey-ists (is that a WORD???)

Even worse, is when you get a call, and when you pick it up you get HOLD MUSIC!!!!

Hold on a second - you called me, and now expect me to HOLD on for you to get your act together to talk to me? Apparently, it is an "important message" I am holding on for .......... if it is that important PHONE BACK!!!

Tuesdays

Another day, and a Tuesday at that! I despise Tuesdays, almost as much as Mondays, and slightly more than Wednesdays. I am fairly neutral in regards to Thursday, and Friday is definately my friend. Four more days of work really doesn;t strike me as a good thing, however I am resigned to the inevitable, so I guess I should get on with it.

The Jeebus Fish

I tell you, I am a friggen ideas man. Over the weekend I had another brilliant idea. I saw a car in front with the familiar Christian Jesus Fish, and it hit me! The jeebus fish. For all those who aren't Simpsons fan and have no idea about the Dancing Jeebus, leave now...



When Homer was the mysterious "Mr X" he had a webpage he used to post all his gossip! On this page was about 1 million little animations and shit, one of which is the Dancing Jeebus. When he is a Missionary, he also talks about Jeebus "I Don't Even Believe in jeebus", "Homer to Jeebus". Combine this with blinky the one eyed fish, and you have a Jeebus fish!! Now Im still a little sketchy on how exactly to combine these two, possibly some sort of genetic engineering, biotechnology.. who knows! But I'm going to make sure this dream turns into reality. And when it does, I'm going to live off the crappy merchandise profits.

The Freddo Diet

We hear all the time about these weird ass diets the stars are on. Hi Carbs, Low Carbs, Nothing but cabbage etc etc. Well i have devised my own Uber-Cool Diet! Its the Freddo diet. But not any normal freddos. Giant size fundraising freddos. Yummo. So far empirical evidence to support my claims is fairly good. I will have to Doctor up, err compile some more stats as my diet progresses.

More Chickens than a Chinese Airline

We have a bit of an ongoing joke here at work. Everytime someone tries to record a greeting/voicemail message on the phone system, we always make some sort of a chicken noise in the background. Sometimes its a "cluck Cluck", sometimes a "buurrrrrrrkkk", but its always there. Who the hell knows why we do it. Its a tradition. To the casual observer it would probably seem that our office is overrun with chickens of various descriptions. Hell, most of our company doesnt even know this office exists, maybe I'm not really here and I'm not typing this message. Oooh spooky.

Spatial Interference

My spacial interference quotient seems to be way too high today. And what do I mean by that? Quite simply, the number of retards/miscrients invading my personal space. Its only 8:30am, I am barely conscious, let alone able to answer the most simple of questions. Get me a short black and I might somehow mutate once again into a lifeform capable of facilitating information transfer.

Aggressive Software Pushers

Ever had software thrust apon you like it will somehow fix all your ills, and restore mankind to some sort of Nirvana? All too often I have beta software thrust apon me. And why am I asked to install it? Because its new. Thats right. Lets forget the fact that it is bleeding edge, bug infested and very very stinky. I mean, far from me being a hermit, but I prefer to only update software when there is some earth shattering reason to do it.



At home its a different story, but this is a production environment people. So get back to reading your Business/Manager Techno mags with all your interesting buzzwords and social commentary. And I will go look after the important shit.

Marks Vs the Spiders.. The battle Continues

After a relatively docile couple of days the Spiders have launched some daring patrols into the Heart of Mark-Country(tm). The little bastards not only infiltrated the sunroom,the hallway (obviously they were trying to deactivate my alarm system! genius!) but also made a daring early morning raid on my bedroom. Now, without going into endless details, suffice to say the spider and a pair of pants were very closely involved. How close? well frankly any distance involving a pair of pants, a spider and me is too close. In any event, thats one Spider that won't be coming home from the front.



Now the favourite part, the deathcount. With the latest two fatalities the Spider-Army is now missing >75 comrades. And Marks-Army, well damn. Im still standing!

Alien Gang Probe

For some reason I have this Simpsons Episode stuck in my head. Its absolutely fricken hillarious! Exerp:


Homer: But Amber, I can change!


Ned: Will you shut up?!


Homer: All right, let's get our stories straight for Marge and
Maude. [the two begin walking down the highway] We were out
buying them fabulous gifts ...


Ned: What's the occasion?


Homer: Because we love them, jackass! Anyhoo, we came out of Wal-
Mart when suddenly, one hundred spaceships ...


Ned: Homer!


Homer: You're right, you're right, fifty spaceships beamed us
aboard. They gang-probed you, while I discovered an
invention that blew their heads up and saved America.


Ned: Uh, do I have to be gang-probed?
[two vultures land on the highway behind them, first looking
at Ned and Homer, then each other]


Homer: Would you rather tell Maude the truth?


Ned: [sighs] What did the aliens look like?


Homer: Well, I only saw them from the back 'cause they were so busy
gang-probing you. Well hello, little birdie! [fade to
black]

Fiddle De De

Another day, another pack of assholes to make my life hell. I think these people must be assigned to follow me around and just generally piss me off. All i need is a baseball bat, a tazer and some cabbage and Im sure they would leave me alone.

Brisk Morning

Well, its another brisk Winter morning here in ye olde Sydney Town. Those clear skies really let the temperature plummet this time of year. I think I may have had a touch of frostbite trudging to work this morning. But I have to say, I definately like those early morning walks in Winter. The air is so clear and fresh, and while you may lose feeling to differing parts of your body, it sure is envigorating. Not quite the whole hair shampoo ad kinda envigorating, but still!



A quick coffee and Im ready to start the morning. What will today bring? I shudder to think. I can see the line of fuckwits waiting to annoy me already stretching to the horizon. However, tomorrow is the weekend. Shit, Im turning into an optomist. Or possibly a pessemistic optomist. Or something like that..

Caramello Koala - Structural Flaw Discovered

Yes, its true! The beloved Caramello Koala has a structural design flaw that is not only extremely dangerous, but highly disturbing. Unfortunately, the makers of Mister Koala have skimped on the chocolate thickness, particularly in the central quadrant somewhere around the region of his pants. The result? Any kind of light/medium pressure on the his belly and WhaM!!! Caramel everywhere!! Now this is just a total and absolute outrage! Im currently writing a letter to 60 minutes, today tonight and Jerry Springer to try and get this injustice heard!



I want vengeance dammit! Not only did one perfectly snacktacular treat turn into a hideous mess of caramel, but I wasted 5 minutes of my life washing the goo from my hands (read: the caramel you sickos!). I want compensation. I wonder if any law firms specialise in litigation for snack related mishaps?

Tiger Woods wins the Open

Well, he has done it. Tiger has won the British Open. Lucky for me, I have been on leave for 2 weeks and had the opportunity to watch all 4 rounds of the Open live. With this win Tiger has won 10 major championships (the 3rd Highest in History!), and he is not even turned 30 yet!



We are lucky enough to be able to watch one of the worlds best players in the height of their career, as our Parents would have watched the Golden Bear Jack Nicklaus, and Arnold Palmer. It was perhaps a fitting twist of fate that saw jack play his last Open Tournement at the same time that Tiger won for the second time. It was almost as if the torch has been passed.



What Makes Tiger such a great player? is it his skill, determination, ability to pull off heroic shots. Watching Tiger is full flight is absolutely awesome. Driving the 380yard Par 4 on the second day was absolutely brilliant, or his high cut 8 iron to the 17th Green. But it wasnt all roses! Tiger was having a tough day in the third round, Drives finding the gorse bush on 2 occasions - But, in True Tiger style, he battled through it with a 1 under round of 71. For that is one of his greatest qualities. To weather the storm, to keep battling when things arent going his way. That is truly the lesson we can all get from the great man. I for one am looking forward to many more years of watching Tiger attack the great courses of the world.



Congratulations on the Win Tiger!

Mark Vs Spiders (Round 2)

After a bloody war of attrition, Mark has gained the upper hand against the Spiders. In the early hours of Saturday morning, Mark made a suprise attack on the Spiders Home Base (aka Garage). Armed with a Broom, a Rake, and copious amounts of Bugspray Mark managed to drive 99% of the Spiders from Sector 1 (aka. Garage Corner #1). Over 50 spiders dead (no shit) Many of which were the heavily armed Funnelwebs, with several smaller, pissier varmits being nailed in the crossfire.



So the battle is won. But how about the war? Well things are progressing nicely. Stay tuned for more late breaking news!

Michaels Craptacular Site

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Mark Vs The Spiders

Well anyone who knows me (and in fact some people who dont) will attest to the utter disdain I have
for Spiders. As a child I would routinely splatter the 8 legged bastardos all over my room, and in fact leave the dead bodies there to decay, and ultimately to serve as a warning to all other spiders. I also (and what kid doesnt) played around with spraying spiders with a can of bug spray just to watch them "squirm".



If i were keeping count, I reckon my stats would be pretty darn spectacular. I would be the equivalent of some sort of NFL Spider Squasher. ".




Well, after moving into my new house I think the Spider Squasher (patent pending) may be in for a fight.
Never in my life have I seen so many godforsaken spider webs. They are everywhere! All over the fences, over the deck, under the deck, around the sides of the deck. And some of the more upmarket spiders have even turned my garage into some sort of Spider Summer camp, with huge mansions all over the place.".




Now, hating spiders so much as I do I have systematically gone through and decimated their ranks starting with the house.
With 4 cans of industrial strength spider spray (ie. the shit that can kill and elephant at forty paces), a long ass broom for swatting, big ass heavy boots (for squashing) and my intuitive hatred for the fuckers. So far so good. Reports from the field are excellent. I have exterminated them from the entire house. Now for the deck and garage. Normal isnect spray here wont be any good. I need something toxic. Ponders - where can I get some depleted uranium shells?".




They reckon the cockroaches will inherit the earth? No bloody likely. Obviously they havent seen the state of my garage.
This weekend will be the ultimate grudge match. Who will win? Will Mark triumph? or will the Spiders keep their summer camp!
Stay tuned!!! Coverage is available on Foxtel mainEvent. Call your Provider for Details.

10 Days and Counting..

Thats right, another 10 days and I have to move my huge mass of shite from my current abode to my new crapshack. Damn, I had _almost_ forgotten how much moving sucks. Boxing the shit up, cleaning, moving the shit around. Its a masochists proverbial wet dream! Oh well. Shit happens. But then, there are definate bonuses to my new place. I have a double car garage. No more houdini efforts to squeeze my big ass car into a tiny ass carport. I can stretch out and park diagonally just for the hell of it.



And whats more, I will actually have broadband again. About fucking time too. I mean, don't get me wrong. For $5.95 a month dodo 56k dialup has done quite a good job, but damn..broadband is just so cool! I can't wait!



10 days and counting...